Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Split Knee Caps and Post-Mortem Birthdays // Putting the Spite in Despite

Yesterday I found out I have a split knee cap. I will have an MRI done this Sunday to further investigate and see if I have good cartilage. This will help determine whether or not surgery will be worth it. (They'll be consulting with a trauma surgeon.) Given my condition, surgery might be a waste as it could be a recurring problem. Fearing another ruptured tendon seems stupid now, given that I wish it were now my problem. The grass is always greener elsewhere...

I am unclear as to how I injured my knee this way. My new doctor noted that isn't unusual, given my lack of/poor level of sensation in my legs. Neuropathy is a mixed blessing. However, I'm still managing pain in the aftermath of the injury. Walking is not easy. I've been doing modified moves in my swim classes. I would prefer not to add "chronic pain" to my already long list of conditions.

The doctor was very nice and is helping me set up my own "mini clinic" within the hospital for the various problems I have with my spina bifida. As he noted, people with SB have great care until they're 18, then it tends to fall off the map. Truth. (In all fairness I let it fall off the map because I am/was exhausted by dealing with it.) He also recommended that I get Canadian crutches. Kind of resisting because I am already sick of looking like the poster child for being a crip... I can only grin and take so much. Right now, I'm not even interested in color coordinating them with my clothes.

So, like the doctor said, more questions and less answers as of right now. It's never cut and dry for me. Mobility is always the end goal. Preserving my half-ass situation. I feel like the boat that keeps springing leaks...

Yesterday was also my late dad's 57th birthday. Speaking of things that never get easier, that tops the list. This year marks 25 years since his passing.

Though I had my good cry yesterday (and I feel it was completely justified given all that yesterday was) I am hanging onto the aire of mystery that will linger until after the MRI. (Heck, maybe longer.) Here's hoping, like the X-rays of the rest of my affected areas showed, that I'm in pretty good condition despite my long list of issues. Fortunately, it still feels easier to push despair away because I've got too much to do than expend all of my energy tending to my health and emotions. I'm far more interested in fighting for what I have left than pissing and moaning about what I don't.

I'm not the poster child for being a happy gimp. I hate my situation. I'd trade many things (but not everything) to change it if given the opportunity. Everyone deals with their health in different ways, and my way isn't to be the smiling inspirational speaker that tells you that you can overcome any obstacle you set your mind to. I've never been one to happily accept being force-fed this situation. My way is to say f*ck this, and to put the "spite" in despite. I do things despite my health, despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to be able to, and despite the things thrown at me. Any chance I have to spite my poor health, I take it.

Maybe it's more socially acceptable for people to say "you can do it!" rather than "f*ck this". However, social acceptability seems more of an enemy when your own body goes against the norm, and you have no choice in the matter.

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